and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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