i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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