I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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