I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
