I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
