he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
