I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
