so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
