Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
