so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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