I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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