they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
