If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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