Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why are your pants in the freezer?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
