she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
