Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
FUCK WHALES
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
