remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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