I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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