you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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