I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
