I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
