i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
