I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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