a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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