so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
