Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
