I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
