Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
