Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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