do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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