Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
