my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I have post one night stand depression
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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