saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
