1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
