Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
