i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need a beard to bite.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
