what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
