I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
