absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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