I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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