just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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