I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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