I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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