sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
