I'm lost and stupid without you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
