At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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