I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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