Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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