You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
