How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
